Cheesed off!

Armed with Käsekuchen and wearing a cheesy grin, the Boot Camp’s latest recruit was undeniably intent on a charm offensive as she arrived in Pleasure City. But our “Madcap” leader has seen it all before and was in no mood to be buttered up by her offer of calorie-rich cheesecakes. “We had it the week before with the Limburger with the welsh-rarebit name who thought he could get round us with his Garibaldis. She’s trying to milfk  the situation too,” he said, “if she goes on like this, she’ll really get up my goat”. There was a further disappointment for the new inmate as she was led to her dormitory, only to be met by a waft of Gorgonzola. Searching for the malodorous source, she eventually discovered a mouldy old sock lurking under the bed, obviously left there by its previous occupant, along with a well-thumbed magazine whose centerfold displayed the “Cheesemate of the Year”, sporting nothing more than a birthday suit with only a churn to hide her modesty. The distress was further compounded when she reported for duty the following morning, after a sleepless night of tossing and turning on the creaky bunk, to be told that she faced a 38-kilometre route march later in the day …

News from the Boot Camp

PC Boot Camp is closing for a short break after a week-long programme of challenging activities for camp inmates ended last Thursday morning. The interruption in the schedule has been necessitated by a midweek holiday. Commander Roderick "Madcap" Cox is unhappy about the break. Doffing his sidecap, he explained: "It breaks the continuity. And the enforced holiday means we cannot carry out key maintenance work on the base. We are given sanctions if we contravene the regulations. Furthermore, we only have one day to stock up on provisions. We usually set Thursdays aside for purchasing our supplies, that's when our purveyors give us favourable rates with their Specialbuys: the holiday really disrupts the routine." Nevertheless, Cox is happy that he has some respite to prepare for the week ahead when a fresh batch of recruits arrive. "Most people, when they arrive and see the name 'Pleasure City Boot Camp', think they can loaf around on their backsides all day. I soon put an end to that. If I ever find them lounging around in their billets, I usually send second-in-command Monty Münsterländer in to smoke them out with one of his SBD® stench grenades".